We spend a lot of time helping leaders learn what to do, but we don’t spend enough time helping leaders learn what to stop.” Peter Drucker
Sometimes we need to shut up, shut up and accept people as they are and the situation we find ourselves in, just as it is… choosing to be grateful for our experiences instead of whining and complaining, to be kind instead of cruel.
This conversation is about kindness…how being kind just because we enjoy it changes everything.
So, let’s take a look at 4 annoying pieces of clothing that are holding us back…none of which are kind.
#1 Add too much value
I remember when I was a young bride my husband loved to cook and would often make these amazing casseroles for dinner. I did not fully appreciate the magnitude of this gift. I mentioned several times some things I could add to his creations…items to make a better dish;…and he just stopped making dinner. I was a jerk, and certainly not kind.
I suppose you too have learned from the school of… oh! I should have kept my mouth shut!
It can happen at work… What if someone comes to you with a great idea? It really shines. Do you say, “That’s a great idea! Thank you!”… or do you need to ‘make it better’… “I love your idea, BUT add this to it.”
When you add value to a great idea, it may be a little better, but it won’t be executed with the same passion and enthusiasm…you just hijacked it…and shifted the focus from how smart they are. are down to how smart you are.
Praising and supporting a great idea is kind… and adding value… not so much.
#2 Win too much
What about winning… for example, I know better!
What if you and a colleague make lunch plans? He wants to go to Max’s Steak House and you want Brasserie Ten Ten. You go to the grill.
The steak is not tasty and the service is slow. What is your job?
Do you whine and say, “I told you so!”
You don’t say anything, but you repeatedly check your cell phone and frown at your food… you get the idea… you might as well be wearing a neon sign that says, “You should have listened to me!”
Would you (…could bring yourself to) say nothing and just enjoy your colleague’s company, making the best possible use of your time together?
That’s something.
You gain nothing by being right. Yes… I too have learned that the hard way!
#3 Too competitive
Are you too competitive?
You’ve had a miserable day at work, but as soon as you walk in the door, your husband starts telling you about his stressful and annoying day… what do you do?
Do you tell him… “YOU HAVE HAD A HARD DAY… that’s nothing compared to what happened to ME”… and then tell him everything that went wrong?
Do you say nothing…absolutely nothing (…defiantly??) and just let him vent, give him some TLC, really listen and just be there?
How many times have you shared bad news with a friend only for him to share bad news with you?
I don’t know about you…but when I’ve been hit with something…I just need someone to listen to me…really listen to me…don’t try to fix me…don’t try to fix the situation. …just listen.
To me, that’s kindness in action.
#4 Judgment of passage
I will raise my hand and admit… I can be stubborn and stubborn… eg critical.
This is the kind alternative… help more and judge less.
How? Eliminating three (3) words from your vocabulary… NOT, BUT and HOWEVER.
Saying ‘No’ at the beginning of the sentence means ‘you are wrong’.
No, there is too much about this situation to consider.
‘But’ and ‘however’ mean to ignore everything that came before this word.
I really love your idea, but we are dealing with a crisis right now.
I’d love to hear your opinion on the matter, however, I have the Barkley thing to take care of.
It’s not as easy to stop saying NO, BUT and HOWEVER as you think.
One of my friends had to endorse the ‘word police’ to keep her honest…friends, family and co-workers.
Every time he said no, but or however… every time… he put $20 in an envelope. Saying no, no, no… it was an expensive moment!
She donated the money to charity at the end of each week…nice touch.
And he got better… quite quickly… It was very interesting to see his progress.
It’s very easy for words like no, but and yet to become background noise… you don’t really hear yourself… they don’t register consciously.
wrapping it up
It takes time to replace old clothes with new ones. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your progress along the way.
And here’s a caveat… there are no hard and fast rules… use your discernment in the moment. The idea here was to make you think… it’s up to you to decide what type it is at any given time.
