When you’re in the middle of a breakup that you never wanted in the first place, it can be tempting to want to remind your spouse that they’re still married to someone who still loves them dearly. I know firsthand that there can be a real concern that if they are out of your presence, they will start to forget what they loved about you. Or they will find that the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is actually true.
Therefore, it may be your normal inclination to tell your estranged spouse that you love them every time you talk to or see them. And this is absolutely fine, as long as you get an enthusiastic response. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
A wife might say, “I know it sounds desperate and needy. But I can’t help it. Every time I talk to my estranged husband, I tell him I love him right before I hang up. I’ve done this for everyone.” The years I’ve known him and old habits are hard to die. At the beginning of our split, this seemed fine. But the last two times, I noticed that you have hesitated before giving an answer. Last night, she didn’t. “Don’t say anything back. I don’t want to be dense. Obviously, he probably thinks I’m doing something wrong or doesn’t want to hear me tell him that I love him during the breakup. But not saying it feels like a lie. It feels like playing games or holding back. Am I supposed to pretend that I don’t love him? Because it seems ridiculous to me. I love him. And it seems silly to me that I don’t love him. I’m supposed to say it every day the same way I’ve done for many years. Do I have to stop?”
That really depends on you. I would never tell someone what to do during their marriage or during their separation. I can tell you what my opinion came to be as a result of a similar situation in which I found myself. But I know that all situations are different. So I can’t say that what worked for me will work for you.
But, during my own separation, it eventually became very clear that my husband was not receptive to my acting the same way that I did when we were still happily married. When he tried to act like we were just any other married couple or that nothing was wrong, he would become distant or start avoiding me. If he pushed, it would get even worse and I would have to work really hard to get him to take my calls. Frankly, there were times where I could almost literally feel him wince when I told him I loved him.
Even though it was hard to accept, I began to realize that if I didn’t change a few things, I could be making this situation worse. So I made a conscious decision to back off a bit. Did this mean that I did not love my husband? No, in any case, she loved him as much or more. But I knew that if he was going to have the chance to keep that love, I would have to find the strategy that would bring him closer to me instead of further away.
And when I tried to push my love towards him, it definitely pushed him further away. So, tone down my demonstrations and declarations of love. I told myself this was only temporary, but it was hard. Still, I knew that what was most important was my long-term goal and not my declarations of love in the moment.
My withdrawal eventually made things better because it finally made my husband more receptive to me again. And his receptiveness to me meant that we got to spend more time together, which never would have happened if he had continued to push me.
I can’t tell you what will work in your own situation. I can only suggest that if you notice something isn’t working, sometimes it makes sense to try something else, even just once. Maybe the next time you talk to your husband and it’s time to say goodbye, you could try something like, “Tonight, I’m not going to insist that I love you, even though I do. I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable. But I didn’t want you to think that I wasn’t mad or anything. I’m just trying to respect your wishes and not push.”
At this point, your husband could reassure you that love phrases are fine. Or he may not say anything, in which case his silence says a lot. If he decides to back off and finds that the next time he talks he seems more comfortable, then he can speculate that backing off a bit has helped.
I know it can seem strange and almost dishonest to hold back with your own spouse. But a separation can be a very fragile time in a relationship, especially when one partner has asked for space or isn’t sure what he wants. It came to my opinion that if stepping back a bit is what it took for my husband to finally be available to me, she was willing to pay that price at the time. Because I knew it was part of a long-term strategy that would mean I wouldn’t have to hold back once we made up.
Today, I tell him that I love him all the time, so it was worth the wait for me. And I think it helped. But every situation is different. In some situations, both spouses are perfectly comfortable with continuing to say that they love each other. And that’s wonderful. But it was not my reality. Still, if everyone is happy, then I don’t see any reason to hold back.
