Domestic Violence and Abuse
Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
There is no accurate way to predict who will perpetrate domestic violence and abuse and who will not. What we do know is that children who grew up with abusive role models and learned that violence in a relationship is normal are more likely to become perpetrators themselves. And studies show that children who witness abuse at home are seven times more likely to inflict abuse on others.
Wouldn’t it be great if potential domestic abusers wore a warning sign around their neck? In a sense they do.
As you get to know someone, watch out for the following red flags that will help you avoid a potential abusive relationship and domestic violence:
- Low self-esteem: You tend to put others down to increase your self-confidence and feel more powerful.
- Selfish about meeting their own physical and emotional needs
- Overly Possessive: Tends to isolate victims or invade their personal space too early in relationships.
- Involved in conflict with others, often angry with someone and/or starting fights
- Addicted to drama – get pleasure from constant chaos
- inappropriately quick to anger
- History of using violence in the past and blaming others for causing it to happen
- History of criminal offenses or skirmishes with the law
- Abusive or cruel to animals.
- substance abuse
- Poor or strained relationships with family members.
- History of troubled romantic relationships.
- Unmotivated, out of work or out of school
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If red flags start to fly, do your homework. Research the person’s background and acknowledge the truth of it.
If you overlook or ignore the warning signs and go deeper into the relationship, the following behaviors will clearly identify someone as an abuser:
- Never take responsibility for your actions
- He attacks you and then justifies the actions by blaming you for creating the problem.
- Deny your mistakes
- You insist that what you have seen, heard or experienced never happened
- He is extremely possessive and uncontrollably jealous.
- Falsely accuses you of flirting with other people or cheating
- It tells you how to dress and how to act.
- Control your weight and your food intake.
- Constantly calls your cell phone and/or insists on knowing who you’re talking to when you’re on the phone
- He has a short fuse, a violent temper, and is destructive.
- Hurts you by destroying things that are personal or sentimental to you
- It’s selfish and disrespectful
- He cheats on you, manipulates you and lies to you
- Insists that you have sex when you don’t want to or in ways that disgust you.
- Puts you down, insults you, ignores you or your feelings, calls you stupid, and/or tells you to shut up
- accentuate your flaws
- Compare it with other partners
- Humiliate yourself in front of other people.
- Threatens to hurt you, your family, or your pet
- He tells you that you’re wonderful one minute and then scolds you shortly after.
- Tell him he can’t live without you and/or threatens to kill himself if you leave.
If you are forced to trade your rights, wishes, and freedom of speech at the mercy of your abuser, you are not in a relationship and this is not love.
Abuse is abuse; is not acceptable no matter the level. And you’re not out of the woods if you haven’t been physically assaulted yet. Emotional abuse often leads to physical violence.
Emotional abuse, abuse without maltreatment, is no less harmful than physical abuse. One leaves physical scars, the other leaves emotional scars. One destroys from the outside in, the other destroys from the inside out.
Your situation cannot be compared to the situation of others as better or worse, especially when it comes to physical violence. The risks of injury and death are the same whether you have been physically abused once or ten times. Studies show that abusers who assault once are likely to do so again.
If you recognize yourself as a victim of domestic violence and abuse, your survival is at stake. Don’t wait until you are maimed, killed, or pushed to the point of retaliation. You must get help from those you can trust; family, friends, abuse hotlines, or special programs. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has resources and referrals for everyone, so that should be a first step, whether you’re a man or a woman. The number to call is 1-800-799-SURE Prayed 1-800-799-7233.
