1. Put your trust in your God. The Universe is controlled by a divine power. Trust in the power of prayer and listen to the answers. Throughout my marriage, I prayed for the strength to get through very difficult times. Not being an addict, I cannot understand putting a chemical in my body and keeping it in a more important place than my family. I just don’t get it, but in the end, if your spouse doesn’t seek professional help for drug and alcohol addictions, it’s probably time to go. I was so scared, and I felt like I had no choice but to leave to protect myself (and the children). At first, I was foolish (still am) that he would choose drugs over us, his family, but THAT WAS his choice. Although I cannot control your choices, I AM affected by your choices and I CAN control HOW I will react to those choices. So, I pray … a lot.
2. Get legal advice: Know that anything a drug addict says, no matter how sincere it may seem at the letter, is driven by drugs. Whether the discussion is about children or money, don’t trust anything an addict says. A professional told me that when you divorce a junkie, you MUST face the fact that a junkie is having an affair! You (and the children, if there are children) are no longer the primary focus of a spouse with drug / alcohol problems. An affair with drugs is very difficult for the other spouse to “fight”. (A friend of mine divorced a partner who was a chronic “cheater”, she felt my situation was easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing a “cheater”: trust is gone!) So Unfortunately, you must have legal representation, unless the addict is willing to sign everything and just walk away. If your spouse is willing to “give” you everything, you should still have an attorney and perhaps an accountant review it and advise you on the short, long, or long-term tax implications. Consult with friends or go online and get referrals from chat rooms, web forums, or even Twitter can guide you to websites to help you do some research, but in the end, get professional advice.
3. Get support from your friends. A divorce is emotionally draining. Usually your friends and family do not want to hear you, but it is very important to have someone who is willing to listen and simply offer support. No guidance, just support.
4. Get therapy. If you can afford to visit a therapist, I highly recommend that you do so. A trained professional can help you understand the inner workings of the brain of a drug or alcohol addict. And whether you want to hear it or not, on some level you have some responsibility in all of this. A therapist can help you see the areas where you need to take responsibility for this crisis. Currently there are studies that have revealed that people with addictions have a gene that can be identified. You may have to face the fact that, perhaps, you were a “facilitator.” Ultimately, however, the responsibility for addictions falls squarely on the shoulders of the addict. Unless, of course, you were the one who suppressed your spouse and physically forced the drugs into their body.
5. Blog. If you live in a bubble, where you do not have access to friends, family and therapists, I suggest you write in a blog or at least in a journal. Even if you have friends and family, these support systems get tired of hearing your outrages and hurts first, and second, your friends and family, unless they’ve been through it, may not know how to support you. It is one thing to have friends and family who can support you in a divorce, however, divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a “normal” divorce over “irreconcilable differences.” Go online and find others fighting the same dragons, find chat rooms and forums that can give you guidance in finding lawyers and therapists, etc. in your area of the country. It will give you a chance to rant with someone who understands and you can compare horror stories that, trust me, eventually, over time, will seem somewhat entertaining. Maybe even fun.
6. Protect your credit. Any divorce will cause disruptions to your credit score, and especially today, with the current economic situation and problems with identity theft, it becomes even more important to protect your identity and your credit score. This is not only aimed at outsiders, your spouse might try to hijack your identity, not just for their own selfish practices but sometimes, as was in my case, an attempt to cause you harm. In a divorce, both parties have the potential (and motive) to damage each other’s credit. Horror stories abound about credit catastrophes caused by angry spouses, like … executing credit cards in the other spouse’s name and walking away. Hire a service, which for a monthly fee, will monitor your credit score and notify you by email if there is any change in your credit score.
7. Set up your new separate identity. If it is not the moment now, it will be soon. So there is no better time than the present to start using your own name and identity. Start to recognize yourself as YOU. Separated and apart from your identity as a spouse, having others recognize you as a lonely person will help you feel more empowered. Consider going back to your unique name.
8. Take your time. Decisions made now, even if not set in stone, are important and will have an impact. Whether you decide to move to a new home or city, whether you choose one attorney over another. All of these decisions are important. So make your decisions wisely and inform yourself as best you can. Take advice from any and all sources you can, but remember that you are the one who has to live with the long-term impact of the election. So make your choices and decisions wisely!
9. Don’t take advice from your friends. All that said, in number 8, acknowledge that you shouldn’t follow your friends’ advice as “set in stone.” Take the information, evaluate it, compare it with information from Internet searches, but know that friends are biased. Unless your friends are trained professionals, and even then, while their comments may be sincere, they could be totally wrong for your situation and could be biased. Take all the information and apply what works for your individual situation.
10. Insurance. Make sure all your insurances are up to date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for some reason (I guess their processes were clouded by drug / alcohol use), the car insurance was not paid and we were driving for months without car insurance. In my state that is illegal and it was reported to the state and that opened up another can of worms, causing further damage to my credit score. So take responsibility and make sure ALL of your insurances are up to date.
11. Your finances. Your finances are a very important part of a divorce. If possible, I suggest that, unfortunately, you plan ahead by saving some money, before the divorce, in case things get ugly. You will have, at least, access to SOME money to traverse some difficult roads ahead. The money that comes in should always be more than the money that goes out, but it is particularly important during a divorce. Work diligently to keep credit cards in order. Keep adding to your savings plan every month if possible. You really need to be aware of the tax ramifications and long-term impact, things that your attorney may not have experience with. Work with an accountant or financial expert on divorce planning. Hindsight is always 20/20, it is as the saying goes and looking back I realize that during my marriage, we lived on one salary and deposited the other. While I was in the marriage, I thought it was a great idea. Now, however, when he closed the bank accounts and took all the money, I realize that it was not such a good idea. Get an accountant.
12. Take care of yourself. The road ahead will be exhausting and probably difficult, depending on how much time / emotional investment you have made in your marriage. Take the time to relax, do whatever brings you some time to yourself. Go for a walk, play cards, ride a horse, do yoga, read, play the piano, it is important to find time to experience the things that relieve stress. Stress can be difficult to handle at any time in your life, but especially during a divorce. The point is that a divorce CAN consume you, IF you allow it. So, take the time to take some time for yourself. Make sure you do your hair, nails, pamper yourself, and know that no matter what someone else is telling you, you are worth it. Taking care of yourself strengthens your energy levels, your determination and your determination.
At the beginning of the end, (or at the end of the beginning), I watched “Diary of a crazy black woman, I watched,” Enough “, I watched,” Sleeping with the enemy “and while I recognized parts of each of those movies in my marriage , more than anything I recognized that the common element is a certain “system” of emotions that go crazy. First comes the wave of fear, then the outrage, then the anger, then the fear again. More outrage, anger and then the acceptance and resolution. Through it all runs the desire to “hate” – eventually comes the resolution that these negative emotions feed more of the same – through the Law of Attraction – making it healthier (no more easy, but healthier) to leave The Law of Attraction is very clear, whatever you focus on, whatever you think will bring more to your life. Anger, bring more anger, on the contrary, peace will bring more peace .
Drug and alcohol addicts do not use drugs or alcohol because of something you have done, they use drugs and alcohol because of something that happens in their own reality. I used to get angry every time I opened an email offering me medicines without a prescription; somehow I was able to easily hit the delete button. I can’t say the same for everyone; otherwise these websites would not survive. You give yourself too much credit if you think you had something to do with turning your spouse into an addict. On some level, even the addict cannot control the behavior. Hopefully, at some point, the addict will find out and seek professional help to help them heal.
Another piece of information that I will give you, the drug addicted doctors have told me that the drug addict will tell them that they have recovered. This was certainly the case in my personal story. Most drugs cannot be controlled by the addict who “goes cold turkey” on his own. These drugs usually have to be flushed out of the body with other drugs and a course of therapy, and these things cannot be done on an outpatient basis. Once an addict has “recovered,” that person’s life will forever be “in recovery.” Whatever the addiction to gambling, drinking, drugs, the list goes on and on … once the addiction has been “conquered” it will always be a challenge and one addiction can be replaced by another! It is very important that addiction problems are treated by a licensed professional, in controlled settings.
So let them go, don’t make their decisions personally, and as difficult as it may seem, let them go … and pray for them.
I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the advice of a licensed professional to help you make critical decisions.
