On September 29, a talk show about arranged marriages was presented. For some reason, it generated controversy. A couple of the men and most of the women were upset at being forced to marry someone they didn’t love. However, more than 50% of marriages fail. That means that while most couples marry in the name of love, the fairy tale ends in divorce. If so many divorcees married for love and most are divorced, what happened? Is love enough?
For thousands of years, marriages were arranged. It is a recent phenomenon that most people choose their own spouse. With an arranged marriage, you have the benefit of your parents and grandparents buying your partner. They have been looking at specific families for compatibility. They would look at family values, the attitudes of parents and children, socioeconomic class, the ability to manage money, assets, etc. At a minimum, they would marry off their offspring to someone of the same socioeconomic class. At best, you can get married. To do that, children would have to be prepared to marry, understand their role, and uphold the family name.
Today you are alone. On top of that, people are taught to be strong and independent. And the idea of compatibility has been replaced by love and romance. At the same time, women initiate 70% of divorces. Does that mean that women don’t care about love? Does it mean that women do not value men? Or are men ignoring women’s needs?
In the gay community, 20% of marriages between men end in divorce. As for lesbian marriages, 45% end in divorce. It seems that women are having a hard time getting along with someone. In fact, the complaints in lesbian marriages are the same as heterosexual ones. It seems that women are more likely to have unrealistic expectations of their partner or their ideas about how marriage works.
That said, people may not be ready for marriage. Marriage is a binding legal contract between two people. Its origins have more to do with the protection of generational heritage. It guarantees that the assets acquired by the couple are protected and passed on to their offspring.
Rather than marry as a partnership, there are many who have fallen into the Hollywood love trap. That means lots of fun, excitement and surprise gifts. Having fun becomes the priority over building a legacy. When the excitement wears off, the so-called chemistry disappears. That is often the path to divorce. Or infidelity becomes a substitute. When fun and excitement are the priority, the brain secretes dopamine from fun stimuli. When the person is no longer receiving bursts of dopamine, he will look for it elsewhere. Actually, that’s like being married to a drug addict. They can’t function without your high. Going to the gym is a much better way to get a dopamine rush.
On my talk show, we discuss how America got to this state of dysfunctional marriages. For the most part, it started with a book written in 1819 by John Keats. The book is called, The beautiful graceless lady. It was one of the first romance novels. Initially, the book had little to no impact on American culture. However, in the 1850s, women began to crave the romance they read about in Keat’s novel. If you think about it, it may have been one of the most damaging blows to the institution of marriage. That book shaped how other romance novels were written. And it’s responsible for Hollywood’s love affairs. People have forgotten the intention of marriage. At one point, compatibility based on family values trumped love and fun. Also, over time, the couple in an arranged marriage would come to depend on each other and an affinity would form. Keat’s book derailed the old social structure and set society on the path of choosing a spouse based on feelings.
Also, during the 1920s, the DeBeers diamond company created a slogan: diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Before the 1920s, only wealthy men bought diamonds for their wives. After the DeBeers campaign, all women expected diamonds. And they want a diamond that is bigger than their friend’s or sister’s.
What’s more interesting is that the idea of a man placing a diamond on a woman’s finger dates back to ancient Greece. The Greeks considered gemstones to have spiritual powers. Diamonds were known as the strongest stone. As a result, it symbolized protection. When a man was away from home for extended periods, he would place a diamond on her wife’s finger to protect her while he was away.
The third aspect of society that has damaged marriage is the feminist movement. They convinced women that marriage is an institution in which men completely dominate women. Men force women to take their last name. Then he influences her belief system and completely changes her. He also keeps her barefoot and pregnant. That mentality causes women to marry defensive and protective feelings. The marriage is doomed before it begins. Except even lesbian marriages are failing. So it’s not about men. So what is missing?
In the past, parents and grandparents participated in the selection of a spouse. While there were forced arrangements, there were many marriages that were created with the best interest of the children at heart. Parents want the best for their children. They prefer to see their child in a healthy union, rather than one filled with conflict. Through their experience, they can get a better idea of what is compatible with your child. That is not so much based on the personality of the child. It is based on values. When you add grandparents to the equation, it becomes easier to match your offspring.
Compatibility and values are clearly demonstrated in the book, the millionaire mind, by Thomas Stanley. In his book, he writes about many millionaire couples that he interviewed. He said they experience significantly fewer divorces than couples from lower socioeconomic classes. He said it wasn’t money or image that kept them together. He found that they were better at finding a partner who was value-compatible. In fact, many of the millionaire couples didn’t have a lot of money when they met. In other cases, the husband lost everything and the wife had to work. In some cases they were successful and then left homeless. However, they never parted ways. The wife stayed with the husband even when they had to sleep outside the car. At some point, the effort of his team allowed them to achieve success.
I say that to say that marriage is based on compatibility, not feelings or dopamine blasts. When it comes to an arranged marriage, the two families thoroughly scout other families to make sure the spouses and families are compatible. They may even have businesses that complement each other, as if one owned a cattle ranch. The other owns a leather manufacturing business.
In today’s dating world, when a man and woman are meeting, the man can tell the woman anything she wants to hear. When your parents and grandparents are looking for a spouse, they are interviewing the man and the family. It is a serious process. Therefore, it will be much more difficult for a man to be a player, especially with the father and grandfather involved. They may want to know if the man can run the family business. Does he have the qualities of care and responsibility to take care of his daughter and grandchildren? They are likely to ask questions and get answers. That means games are completely removed, which is a source of frustration for men and women today. When a woman looks for a man on her own, she can get carried away with disappointment and a dopamine rush. On the contrary, the beauty and body of a woman can blind a man. When in fact she may only care about her resources. And she has no intention of being a good loving partner for the man. In fact, she can even deny him access to her body by not having sex. There are many marriages without sex.
On a side note, many of you may scream that you don’t want to marry someone you don’t love. On my talk show, I talked about a reality show called Beauty and the Geek. The show brought together 10 geeky men with 10 attractive women. Geeks proclaimed that these are women they would never have the guts to approach in real life. Women also stated that these are not the types of men they would be interested in. Throughout the show, men and women teamed up to perform certain tasks together. As the show progressed, they rotated teaming up with a different person. At the end of the show, it was amazing to see the affinity shared between them. The show was a social experiment that proved that even unlikely people could create affinity. They simply need a bridge to join them.
In short, arranged marriages could significantly reduce divorce in the US. If you tap into the wisdom of your parents and grandparents or aunts and uncles, you’re more likely to choose or pair with a significant other based on compatibility. Since feelings are fleeting, love can come and go. However, compatible values can be a stabilizing force.
Also, since parents want their children to marry the best person, it would be wise to educate them and prepare them for their role as spouses. First, that will make them a more attractive candidate. Second, they don’t have to play trial and error at all. That gives the marriage a better chance of success.
When the marriage is arranged, both sides of the family are actively involved in the success of the couple. Because the entire family has a vested interest in the marriage, they serve as a support structure when the couple hits a rough patch.
Ultimately, successful unions would benefit society as a whole. The more successful marriages there are, the more people hope to participate in a union of some kind. Even American companies will benefit. conceived. On any given day, roughly 50% of the workforce is headed for a divorce, in the middle of one, or just coming out of one. That affects work productivity. Most are distraught when faced with divorce. If you eliminate divorce from society, you create a happier and more productive workforce. everybody wins
What do you think? I’d love to hear his feedback. And I’m open to ideas. Or if you want to write to me about a specific topic, connect through my blog www.turnaroundip.blogspot.com.
