Introduction
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences and you have fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes. This is normal and a necessary precursor to growth in your relationship with your boyfriend or partner. Anger is a common emotion that arises during a conflict. While conflict and anger are normal aspects of building and maintaining a relationship with someone, there are right and wrong ways to handle them. This article will address some ways to defuse the anger in your disagreements with your lover to ensure a more positive environment in which to negotiate your differences.
Anger Management 101
It is important to realize that when two people are angry with each other, these interactions will have very little productive meaning because emotions run high and listening skills tend to be overshadowed by defensiveness. Although it’s a cliché, the statement “Anger is okay, it’s what you do with it that counts” is very relevant here. During conflicts with your partner, you are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and anger. Your partner does not make you angry; you choose how you will react, regardless of contributing factors. The goal is to create an atmosphere where you and your boyfriend can have a constructive communication session free of volatile emotions and where both of you can feel equally heard.
No more drama
One of the most effective ways to defuse an angry situation is to call a time out. In the same way that children are disciplined with time-outs to calm down and regain control of behavior, adults also benefit from this type of cool-down period. The strategy is simple, but it only works if you and your partner agree to its execution in advance and follow it to the end.
Anytime you feel your anger flare to the point where you can’t be attentive to your partner or fully present, announce your need for a time out. Before you leave, schedule a time when you and he can meet again to address your issues at that time. Reactivity can damage relationships, and by postponing your response until after you’ve had a chance to regroup and center yourself, you’re increasing your chances of being able to communicate more effectively. You’re also not avoiding the problem, just delaying it until both of you can more easily attend to the problem at hand. It is also important not to follow through once a timeout has been called because this defeats the purpose; respect your partner’s need for space, and take comfort in the knowledge that you will discuss your issues later. In essence, when you call a timeout, you’re really telling your lover, “I care enough about you and our relationship to discuss this at a later time when I can really listen to you and your needs.” and worries. My anger right now is interfering with that ability.” This communication technique, commonly taught in couples therapy, works best when applied consistently.
More tips for coping with anger
1. Identify your personal triggers for anger.Pay close attention to the bodily signals you receive that alert you to the arousal of anger, situations that upset you to help highlight patterns, and the thoughts you have that fuel anger and emotional upset.
2. Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, visualization, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, etc.) and don’t forget the importance of regular exercise to manage stress.
3. Distraction Techniques Can Be Helpful during your time outside, such as writing a diary, reading a book, listening to music, playing video games, talking with a friend, taking a warm bath, going for a walk, etc. Do something that calms you down.
4. Develop affirmations and a positive self-talk to help you train yourself through difficult anger-producing situations.
5. Try writing a letter to your partner before you have your talk to vent negative emotion and perhaps develop a better perspective on the situation that upset you. Destroy the letter when you are done.
6. Get used to expressing your needs and feelings directly and assertively as close to the moment as you can. Stuffing in feelings only leads to an “unfinished business” backlog effect; this, in turn, creates hidden resentments and can affect your health and your relationship.
Conclusion
Anger and conflict are a natural part of any relationship and must be managed carefully to protect the trust and intimacy of your relationship. The important thing to remember is to avoid reactivity and to stop and think before you act to help cultivate a more responsible and focused dialogue with your partner. Anger is often the result of an unmet need, a perceived threat, or a symptom of depression, among other things. Trying to discover your origins first, avoiding blame, and seeing your disagreement as an opportunity to work together as a team in creating a win-win solution to your challenges will go a long way toward achieving your relationship goals.
© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that leads them to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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