Sometimes I hear from wives who have just heard a very painful confession from their husband. Sometimes she admits that she is not happy and is considering a separation. Other times, he admits that he is not sure if he is still in love with his wife. And finally, sometimes, for whatever reason, he will tell her that he never wanted to marry her in the first place.
In this situation, you might hear a comment like, “For the past seven months, my husband has been fighting non-stop. His personality has changed. Once he hit his fifties, he began to question everything. My husband has always been a reliable and responsible guy, but now his motto is ‘what about me?’ Now you feel like you’ve worked hard and cared about others so now it’s your turn to enjoy life and do what you want.My husband now sees his responsibilities as optional.If you don’t want to do something these days, just don’t will. The other day, I was talking about having to go to a family reunion in another state. To be honest, nobody in my family likes to go. We have to burn our vacation days and we only see these cousins and other members extended family once a year. My husband announced we’re not going to the reunion this year. He said ‘life was too short to do things you don’t want to do.’ It hurt me so much about this. I was pregnant when we got married, but I lost the baby later. We had two beautiful children and hearing him talk about this as an obligation, as a family reunion, really breaks my heart and makes me think my husband is real he lost mind. I am beginning to realize that my marriage is in serious jeopardy. What can I do about it?
Putting Midlife Changes in Perspective: I know this is a tough shot, but I’d like to help with some perspective. This is actually very common in middle age. People are quick to label it a mid-life crisis and assume you should wait, but I think this is a very risky strategy. The truth is, when both men and women go through this (because women go through it too), they sometimes discard things that they feel no longer work for them. So you have to be careful that he doesn’t put your marriage in this category.
Now, you may finally come to your senses and be able to see things a little more clearly and determine that you are overreacting. But I wouldn’t want to just sit back and do nothing and count on it. Instead, I would suggest taking inventory of your marriage and trying to determine if there are any improvements that can be made. And I’m not talking about improvements only designed for him. I’m not talking about making changes just to satisfy you. I’m talking about making possible improvements that will make you both happy.
This can be understandable and even normal when used sparingly: Honestly, there is nothing wrong with realizing that you only have a certain part of your life left and wanting to make the most of it. In fact, I agree with that thought. They give us these days to enjoy them and live them with pleasure instead of obligation. However, some people may take this too far. And there is always the risk of dismissing the people or things that are most important to you because you are viewing your whole life as a huge obligation or you are not being realistic.
In truth, it is impossible to erase every inconvenience or obligation in your life, even in middle age. All relationships require work. And it’s easy to think you’re going to start over without realizing that any relationship is going to take a lot of effort. I think it’s a mistake to lump your spouse together on things like family gatherings and home maintenance.
Focus on the now: As for him saying that he never wanted to get married, he may have said it in a rush and may even think he means it, but the truth is that you are now married. Thats the reality. So no matter how the marriage came to be, it is here now and must be dealt with now. I doubt very much that this husband really means that his children and the life they have had as a family was not worth it. It is likely that he is caught up in trying to minimize his obligations and family has been lumped into one broad category.
So how do you try to remove yourself and your marriage from that category? Well, you might want to craft a response followed by some action that tries to address this. You might consider something like, “It hurts to hear you say that. I know we got married because of the pregnancy, but I never felt like it was forced on me and I never regretted it for a second.” we have spent with our family. I think fate made sure that things turned out wonderfully. Sure, there are times when things aren’t perfect and there are times when this feels like more work and less play, but we’re at a point in our lives when there’s no reason we both can’t play more. We have worked very hard to have the opportunity to experience this together. The reward is here. For me, it would be a real shame to endanger the life we have built together. I’m perfectly willing to look at our marriage and see what could make us both happy. Will you do that to me?”
I know that’s easier said than done, but try not to take anything I say at this point too personally. People often gain perspective again when they begin to see that they are not going to have the perfect life no matter how dramatically they try to change things. Sometimes we can make the process worse when we overreact.
