We regularly read that relationships are not easy. They require hard work to succeed, and veterans frequently refer to their ups and downs with a wry smile. When we get married we make a commitment for better or for worse. So where did the love go, what went wrong that resulted in us now getting divorced? Should we have tried harder, tried harder? Does Divorce Mean I’m A Failure?
We remember how in the past we loved each other. We couldn’t imagine life without each other, we planned our future together, discussed children, travel and old age, pondering the many future possibilities with laughter and affection.
Over the years we have come to accept that change happens. Life brings different opportunities and challenges that can take us in unexpected directions, thus opening up new options, perspectives and priorities. Children, financial pressures, changes in health, and family demands bring additional pressures into our lives.
As a consequence, the things that initially attracted us to each other can start to irritate us. The happy-go-lucky charmer can now be seen as lazy and lacking in motivation. The person who is focused and career-driven from her can now be thought of as a ruthless, money-obsessed workaholic. Qualities, which in themselves may be good, may not be wanted in our lives.
When a person gets to the point of saying ‘enough, this can’t go on, it’s time to go our separate ways’, it’s not a decision they’ve made lightly. Many people will repeatedly try to rekindle their relationship, perhaps taking relationship therapy, in their desire to make it work. After all, they once cared deeply for each other. But ending a difficult and unhappy relationship is often in the best interest of everyone involved.
Feeling like a failure can be part of the healing process. Everyone needs time to reflect and grieve after a significant death or ending, and divorce is no different, as it signifies the end of a special relationship and the life we anticipated living, possibly having spent many years in she.
During and after the divorce, it is important to take time to process what happened. Lessons may need to be learned, regrets may need to be overcome, and feelings of failure may need to be healed. Counseling and hypnotherapy can play an important role in the recovery process, helping with self-esteem, improving the various emotions they may agonize over, such as anger, grief, frustration, ‘why me’, especially if the ex initiated the divorce and it seems to be going well.
It is important to grieve for what has been said or done, both for oneself and for others. A divorce will have a significant impact on virtually every area of our lives. It can take time to recover from any harsh exchange of words and actions. We may need a period of reflection to figure out our next steps, how to start fresh, forge a new identity, and work out the nuts and bolts like childcare, financial considerations, work, and retraining. All of these important decisions can reinforce feelings of vulnerability and failure.
-Kids are often an important consideration during a breakup. They may need to move houses or schools and struggle after the trauma of the breakup, no matter how amicably their parents try to handle it. They often need reassurance that both parents love them, that they were in no way responsible for the divorce, and that they can talk to the absent parent as often as possible.
It can help to let them know what’s going on, in an age-appropriate way, to include them in choosing the decor for their new bedroom(s), thus allowing them to feel more positive, considerate and grounded about the changes.
– Immediate family you may find it difficult to accept the breakup and find new arrangements difficult to accept. But grandparents can be invaluable after a divorce, offering stability and security in a potentially stressful environment. You often hear that one set of grandparents is heavily relied upon, perhaps for housing, financial support, or childcare, while the other side almost distances itself. Both sides must work hard to stay reasonably neutral and avoid too much comment or criticism if they want to stay in touch with each other.
– Home and where to live is an important decision after divorce, as it has important implications. Splitting a house into two is stressful and costly and can reinforce feelings of overwhelm and failure. Would it be worth sharing the house or renting it for a while to let things settle before embarking on the next decision?
– To work it often becomes more important after divorce. There is the pressure to earn money for a living, but there may also be the desire to use this time as a catalyst for a career change, perhaps to retrain and use this as an opportunity to start over.
Balancing the desire for a fresh start with the need to earn money can be difficult, but maybe explore options like night school, part-time work, and accepting offers of support. There may be viable ways to allow a new path to open up for you.
Finding suitable child care, deciding what to do next, meeting immediate needs, and perhaps losing the existing support network of friends and family, can add to the stress and feeling of being overwhelmed after divorce. Already in a vulnerable situation, it can help us decide that divorce means that we are a failure.
Try to take things at your own pace and remember, there is no lonelier place than in a loveless relationship. Divorce can be the beginning of a new positive life.
