I recently heard from a wife who was desperately trying to save her marriage. Last year, on a business trip, she had cheated on her husband with a co-worker. She felt horribly guilty and devastated afterwards. She swore that this would be something unique and that she would never hurt her husband by telling her. Unfortunately, she fell into the same pattern on the next business trip, so what she hoped would be something unique turned into a short-term relationship. The wife always knew that the relationship was going nowhere. She didn’t even like the co-worker very much, nor did she have any deep or serious romantic feelings for him. But, as she explained, when she was traveling on business, she suddenly felt free from all her responsibilities at home and then all her determination went out the window.
However, when she was home for a while and didn’t travel, the gravity of what she did hit her. She knew that she had to come clean and tell her husband the truth. She felt that she owed him this and she knew that she needed to have an open and honest marriage. She was hoping that coming forward and admitting the truth would help her cause with her husband. Unfortunately, it was not. Her husband was devastated, furious and abrupt. As soon as he found out about the affair, he told the wife she was a deal breaker, he left her house and filed for divorce soon after.
The wife was devastated, but knew this was mostly her fault. She wondered if she should have kept the whole thing a secret. She would still have her marriage and her husband. They were both very unhappy now and their lives were ruined. The wife told me, “I would do anything to get it back. This has made me realize how much I love it and how much I don’t want to live without it. Is there a way to get it back? It doesn’t answer my calls. It blocks my texts. Basically, “He wants nothing to do with me and I can’t blame him. But if he gave me one more chance, I would be the wife he deserves. What can I do?”
Unfortunately, the wife was now experiencing what many people who cheat (even short-term) come to know: that infidelity is something you can never get back. This does not mean that your relationship is over or that your loved one will never come back to you. But it can mean that you may have to have a lot of patience, sincerity, and a workable plan. I have seen many wives in your situation get their husbands back eventually. And many of them have some similarities in the way they handle this situation, which I’ll talk more about in the next article.
You should not push or rush your husband. He must decide to return to you on her account: The more the husband resisted this wife, the more she pushed herself towards him. Her withdrawal from her made her feel more desperate and hopeless all the time. These characteristics were not attractive to the husband. He felt that her remorse and her sudden attention were “happening too little too late.” The wife couldn’t seem to stop and she kept saying “but I want him to know how sorry I am and that I love him and want another chance.”
The truth is that the husband already knew all these things because the woman did not stop saying them since she told him about the adventure. But what she had to understand was that the husband needed time to process what had happened and how he felt about it. He could not quickly accept it due to the fact that the wife wanted this to happen. She needed to wonder how she would respond if he were the one to cheat on her. She told me, “She would be devastated, but I think she would support it and figure it out. I wouldn’t just walk away.”
While I thought the wife was honest about it, it’s really impossible to know how she’ll respond until she’s actually in the situation. Everyone is different, but learning that the person you love and trust the most in the world has betrayed you can result in the worst kind of pain imaginable. It is very normal and understandable that this news leaves you stunned and that you need some time alone to fix things.
The best strategy you can take if you want to get your husband back after he cheated on you is gradual: The first thing I advised the wife was to tone down her desperation. It wasn’t fair for her to try to blame or pressure her husband. She deserved whatever time she needed and no one could blame him for feeling that way. I suggested that the next time the wife approached her, she try a different touch.
Instead of the usual way you made desperate promises and pleas for compromise, you might consider offering patience and support instead. Next time, she might want to say something like, “You have every right to have doubts and resentments. I don’t blame you in the least. This was totally my fault and I’m totally responsible. One day, if you decide to allow it, I’d be more than happy too.” willing to be responsible for fixing the situation that only I have created. I won’t push you. I just want you to be happy again one day. It was in no way your fault or not. You deserve some of this. But, I don’t want you to know that in no way does this alter how I feel about you or our marriage. But where we go from here is not up to me. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I would be more than willing to go to therapy or just back off and let you have some time. Whatever you need from me, all you have to do is ask me.”
This strategy is much better in many ways. It comes from a place of love and patience rather than a place of pressure and desperation and shows that you have your best interest at heart. Often the husband will begin to wonder why you are holding back and may become a little more receptive as a result. At this point, she should allow him to take the lead and indicate how she wants to proceed. In the meantime, you can behave with dignity, grace and respect. And always remember that her husband knows that people can and do say anything when the stakes are so high. Therefore, they will often watch and wait over time. In the long run, it is actions and not words that matter.
I can honestly tell you that when my husband was cheating on me, there were days when I was certain a divorce was imminent. In my opinion, this was a deal breaker for me and just watching it made my stomach turn. But over a gradual period of time, he patiently and kindly endured. He didn’t rush me. He wanted to help me. Over time, I came to learn that he was sincere and that he was truly sorry. This was not possible at first, but in the months that followed, my feelings changed.
Sometimes you have to let time work for you and not against you and you have to show your spouse that you will offer him what he needs from you when he needs it. Beyond this, the rest is really up to them, but their actions can greatly influence their decisions.
