Sometimes I hear from women who, after a certain amount of time, begin to feel a little annoyed, frustrated, angry, or resentful about not getting engaged or married. And, as time goes on, these negative feelings build up in a way that begins to damage the relationship. The great irony in all of this is that this whole process can actually make a marriage or engagement less likely and become a vicious cycle.
I heard of a woman who said, “I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years. I hate to call him that, my boyfriend. We’re in our mid-twenties and that’s too old to call someone your boyfriend. Right now, we’ve lived together for two years.” years and a half. He knows I want to get married, but he’s delaying. We own our apartment together, but apart from this, there’s nothing legally binding us. I’m worried that if something happened to either of us, the other would not have any legal power to make decisions. I am angry that he has put me in this position. I feel like he thinks I am good enough to live with me, but not good enough to marry. And I find myself sulky and sarcastic with him because of my anger. At this rate, I feel like this whole process is going to damage our relationship. I can’t seem to control my feelings. I have the right to be angry. What can I do? I’ll try to address these concerns in the next article.
Understand that if left unchecked, this cycle can really damage or even destroy your relationship: Many couples get caught up in this cycle and just get so used to it that they begin to imagine it will always be this way. They assume no one is going to blink first, so they’ll always be standing by, waiting to see who’s going to make the first move. That is why they often do not even see the end of their relationship coming. This cycle has ended many relationships precisely because people begin to believe that nothing will ever change. And eventually, one or both parties decide that they no longer want to live this way.
Consider agreeing to file the issue and then come back to it at the agreed time: This is what you have to understand. Eventually, this issue may become a central issue in your relationship. And, when this happens, the whole dynamic of your relationship changes and this change is not for the better. It seems like everything always comes back to this one thing and you can’t seem to regain your balance or move on.
From my experience and observation, it’s best to put this issue on the shelf for a while if you find that it’s deteriorating your relationship. Sometimes when I explain this to people, they think I’m telling them to give up or just accept that he doesn’t want to marry you. This is not what I am implying at all. I’m just saying that if he agrees to put it on the shelf and then reevaluate it, he gains a thing or two. First, you limit the damage to your relationship. For him to commit to you, he needs to be reassured that the relationship is worthy of that commitment. The chances of this happening are less if you just can’t get over your differences of opinion on this issue.
Second, if you can get her to agree to come back to this topic later, then you commit to thinking very seriously about getting engaged at a later time. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a huge win and a huge bonus. Because as of now, you don’t have that. And when you let go of the problem, you focus back on your relationship. The tension decreases and things can be good again between you. This way, when the two of you come back to discuss this at that set time, hopefully your relationship has recovered to the point where he’s comfortable committing. If not, then it may be time to dig a little deeper to determine why you don’t feel comfortable committing.
