I think most of us would agree that, on a practical, everyday level, the most important life skill is communication. However, when we take a look around us we discover that:
1. Many of us have trouble expressing ourselves effectively.
2. Many of us spend most of our lives without saying what we think or feel (for various reasons).
3. Some of us talk a lot without saying much.
4. The vast majority of us do not consciously work to become more effective communicators.
Sadly, many of us mutter and stutter for much of our lives. But we are silent. And frustrated. And dissatisfied. And angry. And sad. Sure, we’ll learn how to weave baskets, use a computer, build a spaceship out of scrap metal, and even go to college for years to learn irrelevant things we’ll never need, remember, or use, but actually make a conscious effort to learn to communicate and connect more effectively with people? Nup.
Trash talking …
For many people, in many situations, their inability to engage in meaningful and productive conversation or to communicate a message clearly is a major barrier to living their best life, maximizing their potential, and developing healthy and productive relationships. Many of us talk a lot, but not effectively. Being talkative is not the same as being a good communicator, it just means that someone talks a lot. Sometimes, less is more. Sometimes what we don’t say is a more effective way to make a point or create a particular result. Like me, singing in the shower every morning does not make me a good singer (believe me), nor does a person who is somewhat verbose necessarily translate into an effective communicator. In fact, the reason some people are terrible communicators is because they actually talk too much and listen too little.
So why do we need to be better communicators?
1. Healthier relationships in all areas, in all areas of our life.
2. Less conflict and misunderstandings and therefore less stress and problems.
3. More confidence in a variety of situations and environments.
4. Better connection and report.
5. More opportunities.
6. Less time and energy wasted, because we can communicate our message (thoughts, ideas) more effectively.
7. Less frustration, always pleasant.
8. More respect.
So of course the obvious question is … how do we become better communicators?
1. Ask people open-ended questions, not yes / no questions.
“Did you have a good weekend?” – Bad
“What did you do on the weekend?” – Well
Ask questions that show you are interested in the other person and give the conversation a chance to last more than thirty seconds.
2. Be an active listener. Participate instead of being a spectator. Consciously participate in the discussion, ask relevant and meaningful questions, and don’t just wait for a gap in the conversation to be heard.
3. Be genuinely interested in the other person. Egocentric people are terrible communicators because they always direct the conversation towards themselves and rarely acknowledge, validate, or really consider the other person’s feelings or perspective. If you are not interested in the other person’s perspective, you are not part of a conversation, you are delivering a monologue.
4. Have fun and don’t take yourself too seriously. Be able to laugh at yourself. Some people are so intense that it’s not fun to hang out or talk to them.
5. Be open to the idea that you could be … wrong! Crazy thought I know, but give it a try anyway. If you strike up a conversation with a level of arrogance and superiority (in your mind anyway), you will never have a productive conversation or meaningful exchange. Don’t talk to people, talk to them. If you cannot consider someone’s perspective other than your own, you will never engage with others and you will never learn or grow as a communicator.
6. Put yourself in situations where you will be forced to develop those communication skills. Talk to a group, face a situation you’ve been avoiding, have that long-awaited conversation with that person.
7. Before you open your mouth, be clear about what you want to say. Some people engage their mouth before engaging their brain. You know those people. To whom I lie? You and I are those people! I always put my foot in my mouth. Okay, feet.
8. Listen to yourself on audiotape or watch it on video / DVD. It can be a particularly uncomfortable but revealing exercise. This suggestion is not always a feasible option (you may not have such a tape), but where possible it will always give you a fresh perspective on … you. The first time I saw myself speak to a video audience, I cringed for forty-five minutes and hated every second. But I learned a lot about how others perceived me and I identified one or two (one hundred) annoying little communication idiosyncrasies.
9. Learn the other person’s language. Sure we all speak English (our version anyway), but actually we all speak a different language. If you cannot speak the language of your boss, wife, friend, child, neighbor, then you will not be able to communicate effectively with them. Many people use the same communication style with everyone in every situation, with disastrous results. The question we must ask ourselves is:
“How do I need to communicate with this person to create the best result?” (To understand them and be understood by them).
9. Be mindful, interpret (to the best of your ability), and react to non-verbal communication. Everything a person does (as opposed to what he says) is telling you something; convey a message. Ninety-three percent of all communication is non-verbal, so sometimes we need to see more than we need to hear. Whether or not someone is happy, sad, angry, uncomfortable, stressed, intimidated, or confused, can usually be perceived without saying a word.
10. Don’t talk just for the sake of it. Learn to be comfortable with silence and learn when not to speak. Talking incessantly is a sign of nervousness or insecurity or both, and never results in meaningful dialogue.
11. Ask for feedback. Of course, we do not want to ask for comments. What a stupid idea. What if they tell us what we don’t want to hear? Almost every presentation I make is criticized (rated) by my audience in the form of written score sheets and that has been one of the best learning tools for me. Not always fun, but always valuable. If you want honest feedback, get them anonymously! There is no caramel layer!
Listening to the Gurus …
Over the past few days here in Colorado I have had the pleasure of listening to some of the best communicators and teachers in the world. My poor little brain has had an information and sensory overload. I have listened to twenty-two lectures and have been amazed at the ability of some people to connect with a crowded auditorium in a matter of seconds. While I have always understood the importance of good communication, this collection of geniuses has reminded me that we all (myself included) need to work constantly and consciously to be the best communicators that we can be because without a doubt, it is the most important skill in life. and it directly affects practically all areas of our reality.
